What do you do when the person you're with isn't showing up in the way you desire?
The best, and only way I've found:
get crystal clear about what you are willing to put up with & aren't, and then stick to that.
Here's how I see it...
Relationships are so utterly vulnerable. Inside of every adult is a little child that was wounded by their caregivers. So when we enter into a relationship, we're opening up all the sensitivities we're storing in that part of us, deep down... the little part of us.
It's so vulnerable. It's scary. The stakes are high.
It's no question that safety is essential for deep, intimate relationships, because we're opening up a part of ourselves that may or may not have always felt safe.
Safety can come from within ourselves, and from the people around us.
The most empowering of the two, in my opinion, is to source the safety from within as much as possible.
But here's where it gets nuanced...
Human relating is scary, vulnerable, and tender. If we have sensitive hearts & open wounds, part of us taking care of ourselves is to set boundaries & define the dynamics with the people we choose to be in relationship with.
So, in essence, yes, it's about us creating safety for ourselves. *And* sometimes this safety looks like setting a boundary or drawing a circle around us of what our safety looks like in relation to the people we're with.
If someone we're with is not showing up in the way that that tender, sensitive part of us needs them to, our role as the steward of that sensitivity is to do what we need to do to help that part of us feel safe.
In a relationship, each partner needs to be clear within themselves what their "non-negotiables" are. These are often the places that touch on some deep, core wound that we've learned -- usually from past relationship experiences-- is just too tender to be trampled on again. These are the sorts of things that, if they were to happen again, would simply cause us pain and/or repeat an old traumatic experience again.
To be clear, any healthy relationship will have its fair share of pain & challenges, but there is a distinction between what is normal & healthy growth and what is lack of boundaries & not showing up for your own needs as a sensitive, vulnerable lover.
In my own experience, the times I've felt most hurt & triggered in relationships (to the point of a feeling of being retraumatized) were the times I had not yet learned how to protect that sacred, innocent, and deeply sensitive part of me. That is my responsibility, and I hadn't yet learned what that looked like.
For example: I had a few experiences in my day with men that were more on the open side of relating. We were "exclusive" however there was some sort of openness or grey area in terms of touch & interactions with others (such as dancing, cuddling, etc.)
Here's the thing. I went a long time thinking I just needed to "become less jealous" or "be more progressive." But inside, that tender part of me was saying "danger! danger! we cannot handle this. This does not feel safe for us!" The truth was, I wanted a man that was monogamous AF. No question. That's why I was so uncomfortable by everything else... I just kept trying to talk myself out of what I knew I needed and what I knew felt safe & good for me.
In time, as I went through many years of anger & hurt of not feeling this from my partners, I finally started claiming and owning my own desire for a man that fully chose me, wanted to claim me, wanted me to himself, needed no other woman but me. Because that's what my soul, my heart, my sensitivity, my inner child needs & wants to experience.
I decided that I was no longer willing to sign up for relationship dynamics in which my partner was half in, half out. I said firmly to myself "I'm not signing up for that dynamic anymore. No thank you."
And once I did this, it became that much easier to attract into my life a man that does show up for me in that way.
When we draw lines in the sand of what we are & are not okay with in our relationships, we move quickly towards what we truly desire. It can't come to us if we're stuck in situations with people that can't meet us there.
So if the person you're with isn't meeting you where you'd like to be met, it's time to get clear on what your non-negotiables are within relationships, what you need to feel amazingly safe (both from within & without), and stick to it.
Magic will ensue from there.
Sending my love,
Christina