Yesterday, I sat by a beautiful lake in a coastal forest.
The sky was beautiful: that haze of winter grey, blue, and pink all mixed together, the sun shining behind it.
The trees were barren and perfectly laid against the shimmery sky.
There was a joy that arose in me so naturally as I skipped through the forest.
I felt like a 5 year old, lit up by the earth herself.
And while I was lit up by the beauty of this moment, there was a part of me that didn’t feel I could fully absorb it.
Like...
Yeah, this is beautiful, but what’s next for me?
Yeah, this is beautiful, but it’s not enough.
Yeah, this is beautiful, but there's so many things left unknown, so many things I desire, but they’re not here yet.
And because of that, I can’t fully take all this in.
It’s not enough.
As I sat there watching these thoughts arise, I realized… this is what they talk about when they say “be in the present moment”.
How can I want so many things to change and evolve in my reality, and still feel overwhelmed by the beauty and perfection of this moment, sitting by this lake, on planet Earth, in 2022, in the winter, with the birds singing, and my lungs being filled up by clean, life-giving air?
How can I be discontent with how my life is, and still feel like “holy shit, life is a gorgeous tapestry of contraction and expansion and all is exactly as it should be”?
And further, what’s the point of growth, change, expansion, and all of that if sitting by a beautiful lake, healthy, taken care of, and surrounded by the uniqueness of creation is not enough to stop me in my tracks and have me weep in gratitude?
This is a balance I am constantly asked to find.
The balance between go and stop, expand and contract, yes and no, here and there, discontent and gratitude.
To crave, to yearn, to dream of more, and yet to feel perfectly filled up by this moment, now.
To want more, and to be perfectly happy with what I have now.
To have ambition and goals, and to also allow things to happen in their own time.
How do we reconcile these seemingly opposite poles?
Here's what it comes down to:
Do I want to live a life of dread, in which I'm unhappy in the now?
No.
I want to enjoy today. Enjoy the process. Enjoy the elation of doing things for the first time. Enjoy the particular moment of mysterious unfolding I find myself in. Enjoy that I just. don't. know. all. the. answers.
And at the same time, do I want to live a life in which I'm always comfortable, just laying low and enjoying the now, without moving forwards, expanding, and stretching myself?
No.
So what is there to do about this?
The answer is found in the Unity of the two.
A paradox, if you will.
Our task is to find this perfect, paradoxical balance point of enjoying the present moment while also stretching towards what our soul desires to experience.
Here's what it comes down to:
I want to live my life from a feeling of more-than-enough-ness, no matter what is happening.
Why? Because Anything but that feels like a waste of precious time.
And even if we have someday have all we desire, it's still the same us at the end of the day. So, if we aren't able to root into joy here and now, then how will we be able to in the future?
We have to learn to receive the nutrients of now to be a match for the nutrients of tomorrow.
No matter what we have or don't have.
No matter what our ideal timeline is.
No matter anything.
It all comes down to one thing: trust.
Trusting the ebbs and flows, the silence and the noise, the clarity and the confusion.
Confronting the voice in our head that says "this thing you desire, it might miss you. You might miss out on it. Everybody else will have it but you."
The response I want to cultivate to this voice in my head is this:
My dreams and desires are god-given. I know they are because of how they feel in my body: expansive, warming, and pleasurable. I know I could never miss out on what my soul dreams of because of where I'm at today; I am presently the woman who I could only dream of being 10 years ago. I'm in the relationship I dreamt of, surrounded by community like I dreamt of for so long. I have self-knowledge, self-respect, and confidence that I dreamt of for so long. I trust the stirrings of soul desire that live within me. My life has shown me that my soul desires will be mine in a matter of time, I just have to trust.
This is my current lesson, and when I think about it, it's always been my lesson (hello, aries sun and sag moon).
These are basic concepts that most of us have heard, and yet, can be quite the balancing act.
Here's to finding that balance in our lives.
Here's to enjoying the ride.
Here's to tapping into the wellspring of joy and fulfillment no matter what.
Sending you love,
Christina